DocAndersen
I have a good friend that teaches at a US University. He teaches a course called “online ethics.” Every time he starts a new class he gives a quiz in the first minute of the class to the students. That usually causes a lot of consternation and concern from the students. In the eight years he has taught the class he has had more than 3000 students take the class. Only 140 have passed the first quiz. When he passes them back out on the second day, he tells the students that the quiz won’t count against them. He just wanted to establish a baseline. He wanted to understand where the students were about the concept of online ethics.
His first lesson is who you are.
It is one that I strive towards, and I know I fail. I struggle with the application of fairness in the online world often. I let that influence my responses.
In part I am limited, due to restrictions I cannot talk about, I can’t say some things online.
His second lesson is what you send privately is an indicator of the real you.
That one scares me. He has done studies for the past ten years, in that time my friend has found that people often comment publically one way, but privately they are very different in what they send and say. He talks about different styles that people understand when sharing online. The reason for our conversation is that he reads my blog (not Virily) and has noticed a couple of things.
First, he said my idea to switch to funny stories was a good one. I had to tell him it wasn’t my idea. He said to share with the person (Ghostwriter) that focusing on happy things is a really good way to move forward.
The second thing he said was that I should be more transparent.
I asked him what he meant by that. He and I have talked many times about some of the messages I’ve gotten here on Virly and MyLot and back in the day on Niume. He talked about the fact that I try to help people regardless of the impact on me. That I let people send me messages that are offensive and mean, and I don’t do anything about them, and that isn’t healthy. He reminded me of the reality of online ethics. It is my responsibility to be the best me whenever.
I showed him some of the Virily posts (we were in an online meeting). He enjoyed the site and the posts of the authors I often read.
Then I showed him some of the private messages I have gotten. He was shocked. First at how many people reach out for help. But also the messages send by some authors that were not nice.
He said you should share those.
I am not, but I’ve decided going forward that I will share messages sent privately and on other platforms by authors if the message does not meet the standard of asking for help, or arguing nicely about a post I’ve made. If they make nasty or personal attacks against me I am going to share those messages.
My friend is getting ready to publish his initial findings. One of the things I learned during our conversation was saying I am Sorry still matters.
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Question of
Have you ever posted a comment you regretted?
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Yes
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No
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Question of
Do you keep emails sent that hurt your feelings?
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Yes
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No
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Question of
Did you know Virily had a private message function?
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Yes
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No
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Question of
Say what you mean, but mean what you say right?
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Yes
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No
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That’s interesting. I don’t know if private message shows more true colors of oneself. I always trust my instinct whether a person is really who he/she is when I meet him/her online, though sometimes it could be wrong. 😛
when someone pretends to be nice in open comments but sends you a horrible private message what would you think?
Q: Have you ever posted a comment you regretted?
Yes (4 votes) – 36%
No (7 votes) – 64%
Q: Do you keep emails sent that hurt your feelings?
Yes (3 votes) – 33%
No (6 votes) – 67%
Q: Did you know Virily had a private message function?
Yes (9 votes) – 75%
No (3 votes) – 25%
Q: Say what you mean, but mean what you say right?
Yes (9 votes) – 100%
Very insightful post. I just realized that private messaging is possible in Virily.
It is not a heavily used feature. Thanks for the kind words!
I`m not sure I have gossiped about others very much. Sure I have a few close friends that I chat about stuff and what someone did, but not to be just talking but more about beiing hurt by their behavior.
I try to be fake all the time but people keep seeing me!!!!!!
Pinned it in Doc`s Place.
I don’t think you ever try to be fake! Thanks for the comment 🙂
Well, I often pray that the right words come out of my mouth . Honestly in my experience I can honestly say that some add up 2 + 2 and get 146, a lot of trouble comes out of misunderstanding
Plus here I am aware there are cultural issues. I don’t know a lot about other people’s cultures and have a lot to learn..
It is the reality of the ability to hide that people use in private messages.
I do like your 2 + 2 = 146. I always tell people the internet is 0-60 in 5 seconds flat but you don’t have brakes!
So true Doc, you are right…I often am in awe how quickly a message can appear out of the page of a computer…
My grandfather, who was alive at the first explosion of internet mail before he passed always said:
“if you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t send it as a message.”
Your grandfather was a very wise man…
he was. When I used to work for an email culture company, it was considered bad form to insult someone in a private message.
But flaming them publically, that was allowed. I never quite understood either then, but I have come to see the value of not hiding behind words in a private message.
Yes, well there are times in speech I have put my foot into it..Some glib comment and people have taken offence when none was meant.
I try my best to make peace with people but there are times such as a local drunk that used to live in our neighbour, people tried to help her.
To reward them she destroyed their property . but she was high on drugs
that is the risk of helping people. My goal when I help people is to help people. But sometimes you get paid back with something that isn’t nice.
Sometimes, you get back 200% of what you gave.
Sometimes the person goes and helps someone else and that is the best of all!!!
Im not sorry I tried to help that girl. If you help some one and they abuse you, help will come to you when you need it and I believe a blessing comes to you.
I don’t know why that it works but works for what I have seen, it make take time but you will receive good in another way
its because you are a good person Pam!
you care (so you tried to help).
You would most likely help again given the opportunity.
You too are a good person Doc and I can see you are genuine..Thanks for being here.
Thank you for the kind words Pam.
You made my day!!!
Thank God I only say what I have to say. If I don’t like something I pass it up. I hate indulging in negative comments or being rude. If someone chooses to do so to me I disregard their comments as it doesn’t mean a thing to me.
That is a solid approach! I have often ignored the comments of those I felt had no intent of conversation or discussion.
When the internet was new here and email was the main means of communication, I had been sending haphazardly written emails. But now I am careful with what I send.
We used to, back in the day call is Flaming someone. (if it was done publically). It only bothers me when it is hidden (sent directly to me).
Great post. At the moment, I don’t remember ever writing anything, and I was sorry later. But many times I said something and I was sorry. I’m trying to be what I am because I don’t like hypocrisy.
that is such a solid model for behavior! How we treat others publically (comments) and privately (Private Messages) should be identical.
I think it has ever since us all ever posted a comment that I’m sorry …. I don’t think this has happened to me many times
I would suspect that you have never done so my friend. You are very kind. Much kinder than I am!
It is more about private messages that are not shared publically that concern me.
Private messages, however, do not bother me, dear friend …. if you don’t know it doesn’t hurt either
I’ve just gotten some really bad private messages here.
And who sends them to you, dear friend …. I may have received a few private messages so far and they were neither offensive nor bad
i have gotten a few from some other authors. I can’t share who because I haven’t decided if I am going to make them public yet.
I understand, dear friend
One thing I have learned in life is to be respectful even if I disagree with somebody.
We can avoid being hurt or taken advantage of. It’s in our grip. There are things we can’t avoid but how we react towards them matters a lot.
That is a very good way to look at the world!
One problem with the online world is that is such an easy environment in which to build yourself an alternative personality – in other words not being yourself.
I can see circumstances where that is not necessarily a bad thing. Suppose, for example, that you have had a bad relationship and you think you can see where you made mistakes. In the online world you can turn back the clock, make different choices, and see if the reactions you get would have been better than the ones you got in the real world.
You can also make claims about your past that are not true, but enjoy the adulation you would love to have had in the real world, in the full knowledge that nobody will ever know the truth. If you can find happiness in fantasy that is not there in reality, is that always wrong?
I write stories. In these, reality is twisted in order to fashion a plot and produce an effect in the reader. It is very tempting to posit the fantasy as reality and use the reaction as part of the story.
However, the dangers are also obvious, and much harm has been done by dangerous people who deceive others by hiding behind a mask.
In the online world, it is sometimes impossible to know what is true and what is fake. That is why I – with 40 years as a librarian! – always trust what I see in print more than what I read on the Web!
You do as always raise a very interesting counterpoint.
To the being an alternative person to ourselves online, that would of course show why people do what they do. It still doesn’t excuse it. But it does allow an explanation to a point.
Hiding behind a mask is dangerous. I always trust but verify, writer, online or told to me.
Many feel safe in private messages. Some things cannot be said online. I try to be who I am no matter where I am and kindness goes a long way. Great post.
I’ve met a lot of people online. I can honestly say Carol, you are who you are, always. Thank you for that!