It’s a simple request. It would not be hard to do, just for 24 hours. Just for one day. Today my brother told me that he knows I will spend my first Christmas without him this year. Tears rolled down his face and he apologized that he can’t be here to help me deal with all the changes and what will happen when he dies. He says he knows that his time is drawing near and his biggest concern is me. This leaves me hollow, scared and hurting. So please just for one day please honor a simple request. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. If you don’t understand grief, you are probably very lucky and have not lost people you love.
Somehow I need to stop the tears, but on a brave face and really believe, so he will believe that I will be okay. He is in so much pain and all the surgeries in the world won’t take that away. It is so selfish to want him here and I really have no idea if I will make it without him. He knows that too. After he said what he thought he needed to say, he just cried. He still just crying. (I assume the anger will kick in next.)
My Mom died a slow and painful death. She only weighed 40 pounds when she died. My sister took her own life because of bullies and feeling invisible. My brother in law went in for a simple operation and got a superinfection in the hospital after fighting 3 long months there he died during this same joyful holiday season.
I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I am strong enough. I don’t even know where to begin.
So please, if you can’t say something kind, just don’t say anything. Stop talking about me like I have no feelings and no heart. If you can’t help me through this, please don’t make my life any harder. Please stop putting me in positions where I have to defend my beliefs. Talk about how great your life is and how wonderful it is. Be a light of hope. Just give me the break and support that I need for the next 24 hours, please.
I have never felt so alone and so scared. I have no answers.