sabtraversa
In my previous post, I mentioned I was going to write about apologies.
They belong to the world of communication and I often find them to be underrated.
I’m not sure why. Perhaps it feels like that because we’re always taught to be polite: saying thanks or sorry often feels like duty, an immediate response, not something that comes from our hearts, nor something we truly mean.
We could joke about Canadians but there’s no need for that.
My intention was not to talk about social norms anyway.
I noticed how often the act of apologizing is misused, how often the word sorry somehow lost its meaning. How often does it happen to hear I’m sorry but?
Being sorry is an emotional state. It means being sad, or regretful.
Sure, we may sometimes say I’m hungry but or I’m happy but. However, that but decreases the intensity of the first statement; it moves the attention from the emotional state to whatever contrasts it, almost invalidating it.
So, if we are truly sorry, it’s better to emphasize by explaining why, not concealing the emotion behind buts. The hurt person only wants to make sure we regret what we did, we can’t prove that if we keep on being stubborn about justifying our bad deed or diminishing their feelings.
There could be a right time for that, which is certainly not at the very beginning of an apology.
While apologizing is hard on its own, a more serious issue arises when a person is unable to regret. Perhaps they believe they did nothing wrong, or they think the hurt one was overly sensitive and had an exaggerated reaction.
(Un)fortunately, this is not what apologizing is about.
The way we act about our emotions might come with judgement, but emotions on their own can’t really be right or wrong.
The apology should, first of all, be a way to show empathy.
Then apologizing has little to do with asking for forgiveness. Again, it’s meant to express regret, not to fix the situation.
What about the other side? Whenever we get hurt, I believe it’s important to express how we feel first, instead of accusing the other person right away.
Example:
1. I was hurt by your words.
2. You offended me.
See, the first phrase is more likely to evoke empathy, therefore an apology.
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Question of
Do you find it difficult to apologize?
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Yes
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No
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Sometimes
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Question of
Do you tend to expect to be forgiven after you apologize?
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Yes
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No
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Sometimes
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Question of
Does knowing that those who hurt you regret what they did makes you feel better?
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Yes
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No
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Question of
The way we act about our emotions might come with judgement, but emotions on their own can’t really be right or wrong. – Do you agree with this?
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Yes
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No
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Not entirely
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Hello Sabbie – how have you been?
Hey there! I’m doing okay, just been busy elsewhere. The lockdown is no fun but hopefully the “phase 2” will allow me to go out for strolls/walks, I miss that. 😔
Very interesting. Apologizing is important.
Thank you. Yes, apologizing can make a difference!
These days being nice or kind is regarded as old fashioned. Accepting you have hurt someone is a right thing to do because you know you have done something that isn’t good.
Exactly, an apology that never comes can make someone feel misunderstood. Telling someone you’re sorry somehow validates their feelings so it’s a good thing to do. Then yes, one has to accept they made a mistake in the first place, the apology has to be genuine.
I apologize because it is polite and because as an adult, I take responsibility for my actions. it has nothing to do with forgiveness
I completely agree with you! ?
conversely, I try to forgive because I don’t want to hold a grudge. it has nothing to do with being a good person…
Personally I am of the opinion that things happen. If you take responsibility and apologize, I will happily forgive. If it happens a second time, I will not forget, when you apologize I will remember the initial and the second misstep. It goes on and on. When we get to the 3rd time, i will distance myself. I don’t have time for 3rd, 4th and so on apologies.
Exactly. I wanted to include this aspect as well, despite it’s more about forgiving than just apologizing. I think someone can be truly sorry but still stubborn with their negative behavior. I don’t think it nullifies what they’re feeling (being sorry), but we’re free to either forgive or go away. After all, forgiveness (trust) is something you earn, not something you’re owed.
that is very true. Trust is earned through action not words!
Relationships go 2 ways and quite often some people think they have to be right all the time.
However, I don’t think anyone gets away scot free when they offend others if they do it deliberately.
Culture differences often cause an offence. In New Zealand we look at people directly at the eyes while some other nations never make eye contact.
Yes, there can’t be dialogue if we don’t make an effort in listening and comprehending what the other person has to say, it takes modesty as well as empathy.
That’s also true, about cultural differences. It’s very important to understand that some people’s backgrounds could differ from ours and tell if something is “bothersome” right away, as well as learning what annoys, or worse, offends the person we’re talking to. ?
Some things just can’t be differentiated into right and wrong, there are plenty of grey zones and subjective views.
Very nicely put what you put up is so true… Sometimes I apologise just incase I really did do or say something wrong, self doubt.
However, I try not to apologise every 5 mins as that can also irritate as well…
Whenever I have had to apologize |I have done it graciously and really meant it. |If my apology has been accepted then everything goes on as usual and if rejected which only happened once then I just go my own way and never speak to that person again
Sounds like we are alike, hehehe. ?
Yep, I know. I’m still surprised by how many times people blurt out lots of words and phrases but the magic one “I’m sorry”. Sometimes that’s all I want to hear, and almost never get it.
I wonder if it is pride or else, but it’s crazy. ?
I never expect to be forgiven after I apologize, but having my words or feelings judged or questioned is definitely not good.
I see. There could be a time for apologizing but if doesn’t come and things are okay, it feels like it’s no longer needed. It’s just the heat of the moment, then it depends on whether you hold grudges or not. ?
And because some people may hold grudges or it takes them time to trust me again, I can’t really expect forgiveness, though I hope to be given a second chance. I’m just fine with letting them know I’m sorry, then it’s up to them. ?
Maybe I understood. That’s also true, especially when we’re able to choose whom to spend our time with. In other circumstances, we have to adapt to the people around us, like at work, and incompatible relationships are forced though it’s unhealthy.
I always apologize. I am very careful to think carefully before saying anything and offending anyone.
I’m glad to hear so. I tend to think it’s a skill to master with time, we weren’t born perfect.
We all must forgive and move forward.
It’s easier said than done, but forgiving others is a favor we mostly do to ourselves, so it’s very wise as well as essential. ?
Tell me about it. I never said it would be easy. I have many people who have wrongly hurt me and, for my own well being, had to forgive them, for me to move on. I did not openly forgive them, but in my heart. I am in agreement that forgiveness is for us.
apologizing is the way forward
Yes, sometimes apologizing is all it takes to unlock an unpleasant situation and fix it.