Although I wasn’t officially (or medically) diagnosed with depression, I was very unhappy for a long long time.
It started when I was in Polytechnic (about 17) whereby everything changed almost drastically. The whole schooling system is different from before and I was expected to become independent all of a sudden.
Not to mention that I have a hard time making friends due to my low self esteem that rooted from critical “culture” at home and that I was an introvert.
I was unhappy almost everyday during my 3 years in Polytechnic, ranging from poor grades to guilt from skipping classes. (Well, I am just too sad to go to school and having no friends just makes it worst)
I was also indulging in expensive entertainment (like karaoke, food and games) which eventually caused me to become very broke.
So when everything adds up, I just couldn’t take it but doesn’t know how to change it, so the cycle just keeps repeating.
Skip school >> guilty >>> indulge in entertainment to get away >>> broke >>> guilty of spending.
So, many would thought that the root of my problem was probably school, and that it would get better after that but they are so wrong. The problem continued after I graduated and got much worst.
I wasn’t able to get a job or stay in a job for long. My low self esteem was triggered almost everyday. I was constantly feeling “lousy” and that I wasn’t good enough… eventually I wasn’t able to work at all.
I was very unhappy and I mean so much that I would cry during bath and sometime cry myself to sleep. I started having nightmares quite regularly and start to hate myself much more. And because of this, I stop communicating with my friend or going out, I think that they’re all laughing at how much a failure I am.
Eventually I did got better (but not fully recovered) and I would share about that another time. 🙂