My brother has made his decisions. He is going to attempt two surgeries. One of the surgeries is an open heart surgery to repair his valves. His SLE Lupus has taken everything he has. I am afraid that he is doing this for me and not because it is what he wants. I have spent the entire day worrying about it. I have got lots of cleaning and such done, but it is all nervous energy. I am scared and I don’t know how to deal with it. I have no control over my emotions today at all.
I am not sure that I can do this. I have lived with my brother longer than I lived with my parents, longer than I have lived with my husband, and I have taken care of him for the last few years, but I have not done enough. Things are not getting better. I have failed him.
I can’t pretend that I am brave any more. I am not brave. I am terrified. I don’t want to be here without him and I don’t want him in any more pain.
There are no answers.
I simply can’t do this.