Welcome to the Fox Propaganda Network, I am John Don’t Give a Damn, and you are watching a totally bogus news program. We have quite a jam packed show for you tonight. My co-anchor Fred Jackass is not around because I ate him. In shocking news today, president Trump announced the US will become a monarchy. But, before we go to that true story, some real news first.
Renegade polar bears have announced they will not sign the deal to allow mining under the Artic Ice Cap. Their spokesmen Bare Popsicle, said they cannot be bribed with fur seals, blubber and oil stocks. They said they do not trust the word of oilmen, referring to the deal given to Grizzlies to shoot human hunters in and out of season – the deal never happened. Bare Popsicle wants the same deal Siberian tigers got – the canned hunting of people. Siberian and Bengal tigers can now kill an unlimited number of Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai and Indian people. Chief Mo Fang of the Beijing First Tigers said they use certain parts of their prey as fertility charms.
When Bare Popsicle was asked for comment, he giggled nervously like an American hunter about to lose the lower half of his body to a grizzly. I personally think Bare Popsicle has been using human body parts, which explains why his fur is so glossy.
In a landmark case today in the Hague, in what was left of the Netherlands that did not sink beneath the Atlantic, five extra-terrestrial aliens laid torture charges against homeland security, claiming they were subjected to inhumane torture. They claimed to have been subjected to days of listening to Billy Graham sermons.
In another bit of environmental news, now that the French have stopped eating frog legs, frog numbers in Europe have increased for a third record year. Ever since the natives of France started speaking German, culinary and cultural habits have changed for the better. French women shaved their armpits and nose picking is virtually unheard of. The leaning tower of Pizza had to been straightened much to the delight of engineers throughout Germany, who had sleepless nights ever since the tower started tilting like the vice loving Italians. The Teutonic engineers being born perfectionists hate imperfections.
For those of you who were living under a rock or suffocated under Donald Trump’s toupee, after the financial meltdown of 2019, Germany bought France, and the Netherlands. Oh bugger, they bought the whole of Europe, uniting the continent without firing a single bullet or gassing a single ethnic group or besieging Stalingrad again (that may still happen).
In an unbelievable scene in the Caversham Horse Riding Tournament, Prince Charles, third in line to Russian Throne via the Prussian Throne via the British throne, received such a hard kick in the crown jewels from his horse Balderdash that his right kidney popped out through his left nostril. The Prince then said that he was going to eat said kidney with a bottle of seven-thousand-year-old Merlot found under the queen’s bog.
One spectator said, ‘We were confused for a few seconds. We couldn’t tell which was the actual horse face, Prince Charles or the horse.
Now for our main item.
In a shocking announcement in Mississippi, after meeting with the Klan for the 37895068th time, President Trump announced as of tomorrow, 8 AM EST, America will cease to be a Republic and will become a Monarchy. He further said, Hillary Clinton will be the first King, and Bill will be her Queen. When asked why America is to be a Monarchy, he said he was tired of using American English and eating grits. Ever since he had tea and scones with Queen Fragrant in England, his English miraculously improved. He also said that he now does not say he NEVER KNEW NOTHING. Instead he now says he NEVER KNEW ANYTHING.
He told Congress America will join the Commonwealth because it was bankrupt like all other commonwealth third world members, and no one will care when America become a full police state. America will introduce the metric system, right side driving, and compulsory crumpet eating for breakfast. Tea drinking will be mandatory on pain of death. The dictionary shall revert back to the British standard. Labor shall be spelt labour from hence forth. Lift will replace escalator. NASCA will be banned, and the 4th of July will now be known as Monarchy Day. The Bill of Rights will be replaced with the Magna Karta.
Other things will also change. The police will now only carry night sticks, and can only beat you senseless if you ask them to. Solicitors, sorry I meant lawyers, will now have to wear wigs in the court room. It is expected there will be an outcry from the National Association of Lawyers, also known as Swindlers R Us, about the wearing of wigs – they believe wig wearing is only for the bedroom or the basement.
And finally, our intros will now play God Save the Queen.
I am now off to the potty
Cheerio, and God Save the Queen
Mummy, I hate being an Idiot American.