The Author Of Shakespeare

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I was sitting in a pub on the dark side of Pattaya, talking to Roy about our mutual acquaintance – Costa. We were both convinced he wouldn’t turn up. We were both convinced he had come up with the excuse of having to wait for an imaginary friend. Roy thought he was probably knackered and I thought he was just plain disinclined to socialise.

Six o’clock got to eight o’clock when lo and behold Costa arrived with a guy we’d never seen before. He introduced me to his friend : “This is the author of Shakespeare!” laughing loud, and told us the lanky, shy guy standing next to him was a mate of ten years’ standing. The lanky guy shook my hand at a distance, eyeing the author of Shakespeare with some trepidation. “Why have we never seen him before?” I asked. “He comes and goes,” replied Costa. Roy said, “Jon’s just going.”

I went.

I carried the laughing Costa’s comment all the way home but little did I know that this morning I would find the episode intriguing enough to blog. Fact is Costa loses more real friends over the long term than he keeps. Fact is he was waiting for a friend. Fact (maybe) is he’s got a long-timer friend. But why keep him hidden away for years or was he being kept hidden? We maligned Costa for no good reason. He did turn up. He was waiting for a friend. We doubted him but he came up trumps. Or did he?

The author of Shakespeare is unsure. There’s something hoaxy in the air if you sense what I mean, and that hilarious introduction of writer Jon to his ten-year-old friendship : “The author of Shakespeare”, well, what about that? Surely taking the piss. What had he been saying about me beforehand to his mate?

Certain it is I am NOT that author. If I were I’d sort of be dead. I’d be a genius, not a struggling writer. I’d also be an imposter. The great Costa has made it clear yet again (in not so many words) just what he is. Just what he thinks. Ambiguity which is no great clarifier nevertheless clarifies!

Yes, long live Costa, the hero and anti-hero of “Great Tits I’ve Known (And Other Species)” and “Sexy Thai Bar Girls And Me : Sex Adventures In Asia”, the Costa who in those books is always making mistakes……yet, last night, in real life and in real time, put me in my place! No mistake about that!

The author of Shakespeare bows out with Costa’s humour ringing in his ears, with Costa’s jeering ringing in his ears.


What do you think?

Written by Jonathan Finch


  1. I’m very glad you asked that question : “Where exactly does Costa go when he wants a coffee?” It’s a question many people ask, and I happen to know the answer. If I offer to pay for the coffee, he goes wherever I suggest but if no one (including me) offers to pay for a coffee, he makes his own at home in sunny Wales, or here in Pattaya, in his luxury rented room on the dark side. I’d love to say he robs a coffee shop but he doesn’t. Should you be in Pattaya, I can arrange for the “proof of this pudding” and invite the great Costa for a coffee in Tops in Soi Khao Noi!!! His will only cost me 25 baht – well worth it just to prove the pudding.