Well, I have been trying to lose weight. Now, lately I have been cheating on my diet. I am not on a specific diet. I am diabetic, so I have to stay away from certain things, mainly sugar and carbs. I have to admit I have been cheating on that diet with things like bagels, English muffins and other breads. In the morning as well as at night. I know I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing. But, I get depressed and nervous or even anxious. So I try and put myself down by eating things I am not supposed to. I know, my bad, I am stupid for doing that. I can tell you that years ago when my marriage broke up, I cheated on my diet then as well. I did it out of depression and to put myself down. Meaning helping myself sleep to forget. I know it was stupid and is stupid. But I need to break that chain and start all over.
This time, well, I am dealing with something else and my depression and anxiety kicks in and then I start to eat. Too bad it isn’t the reverse. Anyway, I started eating like this a few weeks ago and have not stopped yet. Strangely enough I haven’t really gained any weight from it. But I feel horrible and always tired. That is my diabetes at work. Not good, I know. But I am at the point, tonight as I type this, I am disgusted at what I did and how I have been eating. So, no more. After my dinner tonight, which I just had, I will stop eating all that garbage. Tonight if I get hungry I will drink water. I thought about maybe a cup of sugar free hot chocolate. But I rather just stick with the water.
I know I am not alone is feeling like this. And I know there are many people in the world that suffer from trying to lose weight and become healthy again. I also have one more vice that I need to stop and that is smoking. I had tried many times already and I need to stop immediately. I had an issue with my bladder last year and escaped easy. That should have been y wake up call, but being an idiot that I am, I continued to smoke. Now it is time to stop it all. I am not asking for help or motivation from people. I am just writing this down here to get it off my chest and to keep me as honest as I can. Please don’t think I am really stupid, because I am not. I am a very smart human being. But emotions and depression can take hold of a person and make them do things they normally would not do.
Yeah, okay, this could also be viewed as a rant. Not a big deal. But a personal rant, one against myself. I need to get myself back to my good health and get my mind moving in the right direction. Maybe I feel foolish if I do, but I know am foolish if I don’t.
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