It's an Interesting Battle

I am lost again. I know where I am physically and I don’t know where my heart is. This morning about 2:00 am my brother came into the bedroom to ask if he had a physical therapy appointment today. I wanted to say “What makes you think it’s okay to come in here and wake me up to ask?” I was angry and tired. I said, “Yes, I believe it is at 2:30 this afternoon. You could call them after 9:00 am and confirm.” I think I was pretty gruff.

Then I laid there in the bed listening to my husband snore and thought about it all. He doesn’t have anyone else to ask but us. He doesn’t sleep often and probably doesn’t understand that he often keeps us awake and wakes us up. He worries and then he has to talk. It’s not his fault and I need to learn to accept and adjust. I just have not got it all together. I am tired of every struggle. I am tired of burying the people I love.

Leave Me Alone

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Since he woke me up I wanted to just get in the car and go somewhere that I could be alone and rest, listen to music or write. But I can't. There are lists of things that need to be done and I am one that works and provides for our family.

Carol DM says:

August 21, 2020 at 5:28 pm

You are more important than you may realize. You are their survival.

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And then

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I think about how he feels. He is alone. His wife passed away long ago. His daughter died long ago. He can't live alone, he really does need someone to be here. He is disabled he can't work. He can't do the things he loves and there is nothing I can do to change or help with any of that.

Carol DM says:

August 21, 2020 at 5:26 pm

Being there to listen is his world.

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So the only light at the end of the tunnel is death. And for me, that is an unknown. There was a time when I had strong beliefs about what happens after this body gives and the possibility of the spirit going on. I have lost that anchor.

Carol DM says:

August 21, 2020 at 5:27 pm

I also have that unknown. If only I knew what happens…

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Just anohter Day

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So, it's just another day. Work has to be done. People have to be taken care of. No use wondering what might have been or what may come ahead. It is simply what it is and that is not something that I have any control over. I just need to let go.