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Not That It Matters…

Sometimes things really don’t matter any longer.  Too many things have been left unsaid. Too much history is there that no one really understands. Too many people have been hurt. I have strived all of my life to be true to myself and my family. I’ve tried to keep my life simple even in complicated times. For the most part, my life is an open book because I know that is the only way to live and listen with my heart.

I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I said I was deleting posts and I have been. I said things need to change and they do.  I am not going to fight. 

If you read my posts you know that I am watching my brother slowly die and I am dealing with a husband with Alzheimer’s. I can’t change any of that I have to try and work through it the best I can. Writing here has been beneficial in many ways and heartbreaking in others. It is an emotional time as the loss of family members this time of year, in our family has happened the last few years. It becomes hard to celebrate and deal with the holidays and still, I have tried.

I have been reading my Grandad’s life history and his small book “Lessons for My Grandchildren”, again. I was seven when he died. In reality, I spent a lot of time in those seven years sitting on his lap. He was ill and I spent most of my time with him as my parents worked together at their grocery store and meat shop.

Today I read this “If you have to choose between dealing with a liar or a thief, choose the thief. Why? At least you know they are going to steal from you.” It made me smile. Grandad had common sense. He was a writer and publishes several books. He served as a senator. He raised chickens (something I didn’t even know about.) He helped 100’s of people and we only heard about after he died. He just quietly did the right thing. He also had a red hot temper when things were not done with integrity.

As I am here dealing with everything I wonder what his advice would be. He rarely ran away from anything. (He hated snakes and those he would run from.) I thought back to my whole morning. There were some ups and downs. I thought the problem was solved and it persists. I thought I was safe from angry outbursts, and for the most part, I am, but I have to take the time to report them, and I have to read the angry words. I don’t need those angry words in my life, especially with the things I am dealing with.

I do need to write it helps with perspective. I do need to read and learn, I always want to be learning to be happier and improve my life and the lives of others. That is my true nature. It is my core. That is where my integrity ‘lives”. Truly the only one who really needs to work this out is me. I work thinks out on paper. (Or a computer screen, sometimes both.)

Someday, one of my grandsons will read this and say, why did you keep writing? I think my answer is that if I give up I have given bad actors their payoff to continue hurting others.  I am deleting many of my posts. If I find a different location where I know I would be protected from bullying, I would go there in a heartbeat and invite all my friends to come. 

It is great for people to disagree in a respectful manner. That is how we all learn and grow. Sadly today, I wouldn’t invite anyone to write here. Tomorrow is a new day and perhaps I will feel differently then. I am glad I wrote from my heart in a straight forward manner. I am happy I have been true to myself, my beliefs and my family. I am sad it had to come to this.

Not that it matters…… to anyone, but those who take it on to stand up do what they know to be right and true.

My Christmas wish for you and yours is to know there is always someone in your corner. There are enough good people that no one stands alone, sometimes they are just hard to see.


What do you think?


Written by Ghostwriter

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  1. What you say, feel and think does matter. Thank you for sharing your emotions. Sadly, on any public site, there will be all kinds of people come and go. Knowing that, when they appear, we have to learn to just keep going. Do not let others pull you down. Yo have enough, and then some, to deal with in life. Try to enjoy the moments while you can, without the craziness. Deep breaths. 🙂

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