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Memories…Haunting

I am struggling a little with my life.  It was six months ago that Dad passed away. We don’t know the exact date. He lived alone and it took some time to find him. When my sister called and said, “Dad is dead.” I said “What?” She replied, “He’s dead.” I just hung up the phone and went to my room and locked the door. I don’t remember if I cried or not, now. 

I remember wondering if Mom was happy to see him or if she had some things to say and get straightened out before she was ready to embrace his spirit. (Yes, I believe that we existed before we came to this earth and we exist after we leave this earth.) I believe these bodies are our temporary homes. 

I wasn’t close to my father and my Mom was my best friend. My father chose to love and care for someone who tore our family apart, until the very end.(He took care of my brother’s ex-wife and her children like they were his own.) I still don’t accept the way he treated that person with more care and empathy than his own children. It still stings and while I understand it shouldn’t, it does.  Everyone says you just let things go. Oh how I wish that would happen with me, and the more I try and more I simply hurt. It’s hard to feel dark about someone you should love unconditionally and I am just no there.

Today this random old song by two of my favorite artists made me think a little deeper and I am not sure why. I guess maybe it is time I come to terms with who I want to be and who I really am. 

https://youtu.be/lHg5GfD81L8It’s hard when the pictures seem to be blank and the memories dark. Will I ever be “okay” with him?

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What do you think?

Legend

Written by Ghostwriter

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8 Comments

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  1. It is always painful when the memories come crashing through. However, I do believe out dad’s stick around to watch over us and are close by. In your case. he might now realize he did wrong and regret it is too late. It is good that you do remember him and that in a way can also be comforting to think of any good times you might have had with him. I knew a girl who lost her father and had always been curious about him because he too went away from the family. What she did was to dig deep and found some photos of her dad with her,. She took those few photos and pasted them in a notebook and titled it the good times with dad and kept it around so whenever she remembered and felt anger toward him she would look at those photos. I just don’t know if you have any photos.

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  2. I feel your pain. I have a situation in my family where my brother has stolen my mother’s money for years. She now has ALZ and lives with me and she doesn’t remember any of it and thinks of him as an angel. It’s sad.

  3. Sorry you have these not so good memories. I have them too, but in a different way. For another day.
    What helps me is to hold onto the good times. If you don’t, you will never be able to move forward. Hugs to you.

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