Cut the cord! Turn off those words because you know they are true, you know you are worthless, selfish, and a greedy woman. Die. Just. Die.
I reached over and clicked the red X in the upper right hand corner, make those words stop… just stop!
To late, they were said, they are there echoing. Over and over, its my fault that life is not what you wanted, I can`t save you, hell I can`t save myself!
The handgun, yeah the one for protection, lays right there, I watch it, thinking that would be fast, maybe getting a couple shots off if the finger is fast enough. The End. The final F you.
Youtube playing a music list, it ends. I click make and play me a music list. Some old song plays.
Leaning all the way back in the office chair, reach over and take the gun. Close my eyes and relax, feeling the weight of the pistol in my right hand.
I lay the pistol against my cheek, I can smell the metal.
A new song plays, Jewel. I listen and this song has memories, memories of the days I used to sing this very song while I walked as fast as I could to rid myself of the pain of watching my dad slowly die. I laugh and cry at the same time thinking how F`ed up is this? All the pain of his death rises up and out, tears.
I taste the metal now, its not that bad. Eyes closed. Still.
The room fills with the scent of someone smoking a cigarette. My eyes open but no one is there, I see no smoke but I smell it. With each second the scent gets stronger.
The music continues, each song Jewel, not a mix, just Jewel.
I take the pistol from my mouth, let it fall to the floor, I cry because I know who is with me in spirit, the man that told me I can do anything and be anything I wanted, the other man that said ” Its all up to you now, you know what to do.”
I let Youtube play, still each song that came was Jewel.
I stopped by the paint, all the colors. I wrote ” Stress Ends Here” on some wood and I began to paint, I painted for several hours while Jewel played what seemed to be endless list, song after song.
Sleep didnt come easy but eventually, for a few hours. I dragged myself from bed and went to work.
After work I knew what I had to do, I got back online and asked ” Are we dead?”
Peter said “Take my hand my love, we will figure this out.”
By Andria Perry
Photo By Pixabay