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Dear Diary: Sharing My Pain, Fears and Frustration (Entry One)

This is my diary, my little escape from the little fears and frustrations that have filled my thoughts in the past year. This is the first entry and hopefully, others are less melancholic than this.

They say when a person is desperate for something, it eludes them. I never knew how true this was until I found myself in a similar situation.

It’s been over a year I most my pregnancy and the struggle to conceive after that has been real.

I am now so painfully aware of every pregnant woman that passes by and wish I could also be in their shoes.

What’s worse? Friends who were also TTCing happen to have either conceived or put to bed. I seem to be the only one left.

I ran into one three days ago and the sight of her slightly round belly was both a pleasant surprise and a slight stab to my heart. This is coming right after Lillian and Jennifer also put to bed within a few months of each other so yea, I’m officially the only one left. Of course, I’m happy for them, but at the same time I’m also wondering if something isn’t wrong somewhere for me to have been trying for almost a year with no positive results.

Could something have gone wrong during my evacuation to clear out whatever tissue remained from the miscarriage? I should see a gynecologist or get an ultrasound done. I just am terrified of finding something unpleasant or worse, being diagnosed of secondary infertility.

Most importantly, I should stop being desperate and just let it happen when it wants. I have tried though, I just can’t seem to do so.

  • Question of

    Do you think there’s something wrong with me healthwise?

    • Yes
    • No
  • Question of

    Do you know anyone who is TTCing? How do they handle the situation?

    • Yes
    • No

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Written by Muobo

Story MakerSmarty PantsWordsmith BuddyContent AuthorLoyal BuddyYears Of Membership

2 Comments

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  1. Very moving and honest post! I am no expert, but visiting a doctor is a good idea. However, don’t set your mind as if there is a problem with you, and try not to fixate on this thought. Comparing yourself to others is not helpful and only leads to putting pressure on yourself. It will happen when both your mind and body are relaxed and ready, and the time is right. Everyone goes with their own pace. I wish you all the best!

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