jaylar
I returned from my hiatus on August 29th. As I unpacked, the housekeeper arrived to clean the place. When she was gone I savoured my last pinch of freedom.
I considered my ‘script’ deciding that not only Summer and Christmas and Easter, but if I could get Daniel to take Gabi every weekend….?
On the 31st of August Daniel arrived with Gabi . I acted so happy to see her that she would, by her nature, respond in the most sour manner.
As she stalked to her room I spoke with Daniel and provoked him to ask to have Gabi every weekend.
I could see he was stressed, but he was one of those pathetic people who put everyone else first and himself last, if at all.
I know he must have had a terrible summer, and of course, blamed himself.
As the agreement between us at the Divorce had her living with me and he getting only two weekends a month, I sure he felt he had ‘abandoned’ Gabi and couldn’t expect to make it up to her in just one summer.
the reality of raising a kid is tough. I have had both sides (stepparent and parent) and they are both tough rows to hoe!
I made sure I started toilet training at 3 mos so my kids would learn control. They were out of diapers by their 1st birth day. To me that’s the trick. Get them to feel in control early so that they can manage themselves.
No tantrums, no idiocy, sense
people used to make fun of us because we said bedtime is 8 pm each night. But then when they saw the kids just put toys away and head to bed at 8, the understood.
The reason people wrap children in swaddling cloth is to emulate the safety of the womb. The infant, once held in a snug safe place is flung into the great void. By slowly teaching the child that they are not a ‘leaf on the wind’ but can control themselves and parts of the environment creates a confident self reliant person. .
we are conditioned to help and protect the small child around us. It is a piece of what we do as human beings.
Most mammals do that (protect their young).
You protect them and teach them how to deal with the big world. You don’t keep them in diapers to kindergarten. You don’t smother them. You stand and watch and see how they manage.
that would drive me crazy.
I took my baby to the sea when she was a week old, (you know infants can sort of swim). We lived by the sea. When she was about 4 years old she ran towards the water and her father went to call her, and I stopped him.
This is because she ran in up to her shin and then ran out. When she was 8 something happened at school and we discussed it; and her judgement was spot on.
She never acted like one of those loud screaming brats. I recall when she was about 5 we were in a Pizza place where two boys, maybe 8 and 10 were running around and she turned to me and said; “Their mother probably never takes them anywhere”.
I took her everywhere and didn’t give subtitles.
we did the same thing with our kids.
I let my child process, if she asked a question I give an answer but I didn’t narrate her life
the difference sometimes between parenting and coaching.
I grew up in the ancient days of free range children, where you’d get on your bike and ride wherever or take yourself to the park.
You weren’t under supervision so had to make sensible decisions.
I raised my kids the same way.
I have seen 48 year old infants begging Daddy to help them in a business and becoming pouty when Daddy doesn’t.
I have seen 67 year old mommies having to take care of their 43 year old ‘baby’. And I vowed never to raise my children to be so weak and helpless…
(I’m not talking about the handicapped ‘baby’, I’m writing about apparently functional adults who can’t stand on their own two feet)
they say that kids today aren’t fully ready to be adults until they are 25 now. It is a lot harder to live in the world they live in now.
I was up in the US last year August. There were 3 children. Not raised much differently that I was or my children were. They didn’t live on the computer or their phones… we talked… in fact I was on my computer more than they were on theirs.
Doesn’t matter whether you live in Kinshasa or Kingston or Orlando.. depends on the parents.
Lot of parents raise feral children. Don’t toilet train them, don’t discipline them, let them flop around like a wild cat. Others raise people who are taught to control themselves, to take other people into consideration.
Sure, in the 50s/60s with the Cold War on America had to raise the best and brightest.
There was no autism or any of the other artsy/craftsy mental situations because any kid that didn’t measure up to the elementary school standards was out. Bright kids could not be distracted by dunce ones.
With all the protests of the 60s/70s a process of dumbing down began, and it began in the homes, to raise a stupid sheep of a child.
This is why other nations exceed.
i agreed with you until the last piece. I don’t think there is a dumbing down. Kids are taught in 9th grade what I was taught as a sophomore in college. We cram so much more expectation on kids now than ever before.
In my experience what I was taught in 6th grade is not taught until High School. I recall astronomy especially as I was interested in that.
in the US my kids started learning astronomy in the 4th grade. I suspect many US schools are very far ahead materials wise than when I was a school teacher roughly 30 years ago.
I find that children are raised to be helpless children, easily led, incapable of independent thought or action. I noticed in America the process seemed to begin in the 1980s or so. They don’t toilet train them, don’t let them be on their own, raising perfect mindless sheep.
you understand that you are speaking a broad sweeping generalization right? The reality of the modern world is that things are different. There is no longer an acceptance that letting kids out of the house at 8 in the morning and not checking on them until 8 at night is acceptable. The world has changed.
there is a middle ground but it isn’t either side.
I know the change in America. I’ve watched the three generations and the culmination.
many people in America raise their kids well. It is a small portion on reality tv that really shouldn’t be on reality tv.
In my country there are the so called ‘upper class’ who could be on reality TV with their uncontrollable brats. But many people raise their children with self control.
the reality of today is that kids live in a very different world. Information that we once had to trek to find, is now available at their fingertips.
Tops that were taught in college, are now introduced to children that are 14 years old.
the world is very different. Parenting is evolving.
Parenting is the key. Parents have to be alert. They don’t have to stand and watch every movement, they just must know their kids. If something is bothering them, if they feel unhappy, the parent is must know.
However, I’ve seen a lot of parents who don’t notice these things.
sadly there are good parents and bad parents and have been since the dawn of time.
When you have kids you have to make time and space and focus. That’s all. Rich or poor. My kids never had to act out for attention, they knew I was there or their father was there. They never threw tantrums or got into the hysterics. We were just there, really there. And I always talked to them as people not as babies.
I think that’s how it should go
There are many effective parenting styles and many ineffective. You have to find the one that works for you.