A life of Old

Starting out full of love,

Alert & playful,

Sometimes lonely too,

A dark cloud on the horizon.

 

It start so early,

Difficult to tell,

When the madness began,

Seeing you plunge into hell.

 

Spordaic bursts of love and care,

Estatic at times,

It was so easy to wear,

Feeling secure, warm, and full of praise.

 

Falling apart again,

Disarray, confusion, all in a maze,

Lost & Hurt,

Alone in the world.

 

Feeling like a yo-yo, through and through,

No-one to turn too,

Home helps, social services, absent father,

All part of the crazy stew.

 

Then comes the shocking news,

You went missing,

What to do,

Suicide came as a staggering blow.

 

Shock,

Tears,

Denial,

All set in.

 

Numbness,

Sadness,

Despair,

Were friends for an age.

 

Only until Boxing came along,

Channelled the anger,

Good and strong,

Become my tune, my song.

 

Character building,

For all to see,

Won’t take any shit,

Off any other sproutly flee.

 

Obessive,

Became the track to follow,

Running away,

From the core.

 

A stint in the forces,

Did the trick,

Stretched the madness out,

Boy you really were sick.

 

Over time,

Became clear as day,

In need,

Therapy, starting straight away.

 

20’s were a very dark place,

Grief, crazyness,

Much sadness,

Marked this time.

 

Thought of suicide,

Ran amok,

Copying behaviour of yesteryear,

Wanting mummy back, much despair.

 

Darkness became an identity,

Long time,  horrible company.

Relationships came and went,

Feeling close to no-one, I was almost spent.

 

Tiredness and Sex,

Distractions for you,

Running away from reality,

Became the thing to do.

 

Feeling out of sorts,

In the 30’s,

Trying to inject,

Some normality.

 

Life went on this way,

London calling,

No reason,

To stay.

 

Feeling happy for a while,

Home and splendour everywhere,

Old habits die hard,

Becoming isolated, festering some more.

 

Attracting others into the fold,

Broken & Homeless,

Emotional vampires,

Came the norm.

 

Living in misery,

It’s ok, its company,

Being used from those around,

Don’t want to face this, start to frown.

 

Law of attraction,

In full flow,

Broken GF,

So easy, Come to me.

 

Life in a dark cloud,

Losing money,

Losing my mind,

Fearing insanity.

 

Broken, dejected, in a bad place.

Nervous breakdown calling,

Feeling,

Horribly constrained.

 

Getting Rid,

Negativity,

Having to start,

More therapy.

 

This time,

The trenches travelled far,

WW3 Beckoning,

Have to dig in deep.

 

What it meant to be totally let down,

Both parents broken,

That was their crown, and your gown.

How could you see through this mess.

 

Pain, shock, and numbness,

Again set in,

Crawling again on the dirty basement,

Very grim.

 

Pain & Depression,

Familiar choices,

Embedded in marrow,

On the menu.

 

Change come quick,

Before happiness goes,

Learn a new mindset,

Try & Grow.

 

Digging a new foundation, is required of thee,

Hard to get started, after a life of despair and misery.

Chance of living again,

Generate strong self efficacy.

 

Meeting people from a different tree,

This, clearly necessary,

Taking time to enjoy again,

Forming a new identity.

 

Letting go,

Been difficult to do,

Pain, was for a long time,

‘ME’,

 

Marginal gains,

Is what its all about,

Inch by inch,

No longer need to scream and shout.

 

Living ones values,

Living true,

No longer taking shit from those,

Beneath you.

 

Change is hard,

Change is new,

Not easy for anyone to follow through.

Keep pushing, keep breaking, habits of old.

 

A new man,

Chose to be,

Someone to be proud of,

Proud to be thee.

 

Fighitng no longer need to do,

Denial is no longer a part of you,

Its good to be feeling,

Finally free.

 

The world is my oyster,

Fullfiment,

Accomplishment,

Desire is still new.

 

Confident of what is ahead

This new direction,

Leaps and bounds,

Will be much easier to do.