Caution: Toxic – non mammalian friendly

It’s been a while since I’ve done a non poetry /stream of consciousness post.

There’s been a sh*t load going on in world – I call it ‘the Willows’ , and every time I think I need to put my thoughts in a post-,life crops up. haha!

Life, damn you! (shaking my fist to the sky)

Since June  2016 ,I’ve  felt all the positive vibes I usually throw out to the right people shrivel up  into  dead  petals. Same month I got married. I’m now divorced (not legally).

The fragrance  of mustard gas  toxins in my mind and body have knocked me out. I’ve tumbled  into a fitful slumber – ignorant to the natural  effects of the  buzz of Life.  (oooh.. that sounded almost poetic)

I’ve  become ashamed.

Ashamed because I was finally in the best place I’ve ever been in my life.

And I decided to self sabotage.

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Here is the weird logic.

Sometimes, when I feel like creeping back into my comfort zone, I retreat from all the people who  treat me with respect , encourage me to carry on being creative and love me , give me chances to rise and  make a difference in my own life and possibly in others. I become a scorpion in defence and attempt to sting myself to death.

It’s a primitive response – commanded by his most rational Amygdala.

No chance I’m going to let anyone else crush me. Haha! I will do it myself at my own hands or tail… even.   

Suspicious mind sets in.

The thing is my self destructive tail  shrank while I was living life allowing myself to be confident, taking compliments, getting ahead ,  climbing the arduous trek uphill, and finally relishing the view  on top of my own mountain.

I  had already  started the process of  adaptation, in response , to the good fortune I’d made in my life.

Let my guard down.

In fear of being who I have always wanted to be, I fleed with my stumped tail, roamed the desert and searched  for a medley  of creatures and elements to crush me.

I know this sounds abstract.

I recently went to an open mic night for people in recovery from various addictions, and one girl  came up on stage  and performed a piece about her strange and unusual relationships with toxic people.

It’s almost like a  buzzword. I hear this phrase everywhere

‘don’t let toxic people into your life‘

I do get it.

I understand  that I don’t need to be on drugs, or overdosing or starving myself to hurt myself.

Sometimes, when I feel self destructive, I seek out people who I think need saving or who can help me escape me or they seek me out. It’s not something I’m aware of until it’s too late.

These people are attracted to me like gravity. Vice versa.

These people become a drug.

THIS SONG SHOULD BE IN MY LIFE MOVIE SOUND TRACK 

There is an allure, a peculiar drive to chase after them. Hang onto every kind word spoken, every sweet gesture.

Then when  they wake from a spell of disillusion – or they feel they have been stirred in the wrong direction, or an ingredient they needed to feel good about their current situation is added too lightly or heavy handedly; They turn on those they see as weak and prepared to put up with their bullshit.

I liken this behaviour to a rather lethal bad batch of substances or hootch .

I  refuse to walk away, I guzzle up swigs of insults and snort up the all the flaws that make up my chemistry.

Eventually, they take all their own self loathing, regret, frustrations  and issues and dump it on me.

There is strength and vulnerability in me. I’ve never wanted to build a wall around who I am.

I’m transparent.

I may do sh***y things and its no excuse when I say,

I’m always upfront about it.

I always let the people in my life know what’s going on.

Where I am at.

I  tend to do this with people I have just met too. I’ve hid myself for so long. If people can’t get me from the start, then I’d rather know sooner than waste precious time.

It’s not an excuse to do s***y things to other people.

I choose to tell people what I’ve done/doing. Good and bad.

I confess, I usually  have a lot to lose – most of the time.

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I’m blessed to have a small (teeny tiny)  circle of family and friends who are  ready to take my hand and help me out of the jungle.

Help me leave the ones who are in the thick of it, simulated  and hanging out with  familiar, estranged animals. They are trying to survive.

It’s hard to take a knock. It’s facile to blame others for your setbacks. I’ve done that in my life over and over.

Many times.

It’s only when I decided to make a conscious choice to make peace with my past, and take responsibility for what I do now, have I been able to bounce back quicker from life’s trials and moments of fuckery.

It’s obvious, right?

Blaming others for how you feel is hardly going to solve your problem, is it?

I’m full of passion, empathy and I can be blunt, I do speak my mind and I can be a soft touch.

Disastrous in the wrong hands.

It becomes difficult to keep my mouth shut and not turn the remnants of my poisonous tail on those who hurt me.

Passion floods through my veins. Bubbles over. I retaliate  especially after seeing someone else’s  imperfect life. After listening to their feelings and ideas and dreams. Reaching out and saying, ‘ I’ll be there for you’ .

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These people usually say: I didn’t ask for your help – (it doesn’t stop them from taking it when it suits them)

It’s hard not to retaliate when family, friends or an acquaintance who  I’ve trusted to divulge so much about myself, in things I trust they won’t use against me, because of our common acknowledgement that we listen, don’t judge and empathise.

I retaliate at hypocrisy and denial.

I retaliate when a person uses ammo to hurt me and then cries in a murky pond of self pity at what a scoundrel I am!

When I give it back to them – in their language. People don’t like being spoken back to  in fluent asshole. It’s usually my last resort.

(to be continued)