Never punish yourself to ‘fix’ the Abuser. It doesn’t work. In fact, it backfires. Denying yourself because the Abuser is the one to offer gives him a great laugh.
He wants you to cut your own throat. He wants to be able to say;
“Well, my Ex is so pathetic that she lost out on her social security benefits because I offered to help.” (Paraphrase as you need to).
I can list cases of children who lost a house because it was their hated father who told them about a Will, of Employees who lost benefits because the Boss From Hell was the one to suggest.
Never punish yourself to ‘fix’ the Abuser. It is exactly what he wants.
He wants to paint himself as the kind benefactor and you as the childish fool.