Rereading Nineteen Eighty Four – Part III Chap 4 (9)

Having called out Julia’s name, without thinking , Winston lay back on the bed and tried to compose himself. 

What had he done? How many years had he added to his servitude by that moment of weakness?

In another moment he would hear the tramp of boots outside. They could not let such an outburst go unpunished. They would know now, if they had not known before, that he was breaking the agreement he had made with them.He obeyed the Party, but he still hated the Party.In the old days he had hidden a heretical mind beneath an appearance of conformity. Now he had retreated a step further: in the mind he had surrendered, but he had hoped to keep the inner heart inviolate.He knew he was wrong, but he preferred to be in the wrong. They would understand that — O’Brien would understand it. It was all confessed in that single foolish cry.He would have to start all over again. It might take years.