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My personal experience with OCPD

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My article about OCPD

 

I was 18 when I dropped out of school.

I was convinced to blame it on anxiety. My classmates were making fun of me. I felt isolated and the school environment caused a lot of distress.

That was true. Yet, not everything.

 

Years later, I realized what truly made me uncomfortable.

My anxiety was due to the expectations. Everyone thought I was the smartest girl in class and was expected to get top grades. My family, my teachers, my classmates. I couldn’t be the best anymore. I was overwhelmed by the expectations; I had mental breakdowns.

The reason why I was no longer able to get top grades was that I quitted doing homework.

Actually I stopped doing homework in 3rd grade.

In middle school, I gave up having notebooks. I no longer had the notes I needed to study. I was too ashamed to ask my classmates for theirs.

Why was that? Hard to believe, but I was a perfectionist.

Suddenly, school rhythms skyrocketed, and I couldn’t keep up with them. I couldn’t keep my notebooks tidy, I couldn’t take the time to keep a decent handwriting. I was so frustrated I gave up. Perfectionism made me lazy and messy.

How can you tell a person is obsessed with perfection, if they’re so lazy and untidy?

I kept on getting good grades until the 3rd year of high school.

 

Why was I preoccupied with perfection?

I was a normal kid. I liked to be praised and hated to be criticized.

I craved for praise and appreciation. I was proud and loved to make my family proud. Nothing felt as good as making people happy, and nothing felt as bad as making people sad or angry. Failure was something I couldn’t avoid, yet I was unable to accept it.

 

Alright, I had enough of the past. It’s time to talk about the present.

I’ll just take some “symptoms” and explain how they work for me.

You’ll also realize this disorder is self-contradictory.

Perfectionism that interferes with task completion

The story I told was mostly about this. I have nothing to add, except one reminder.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. This is the first contradiction, as people with OCPD can become frustrated by their inability to reach perfection that they will turn into the opposite, not giving a damn about perfection.

Preoccupation with details, rules, order, blah blah

Again, frustration can lead to the opposite. People with OCPD can be messy because they may have other priorities. We aren’t afraid of getting sick unlike the OCD counterpart; we just want things to be done in a certain way. If we can’t, good riddance.

Miserliness, extreme need to save money for the future

Retail therapy? What’s that? Are you kidding me? There’s no way spending money will make me feel better. I only spend money when I believe it’s an investment.

Wasting money is out of question.

Rigidity and stubbornness when it comes to standards, morals, ethics and manners

Another contradiction. I have good manners, and I’m generous. I’m unable to save money when it comes to gifts, I have a need to impress.

So far, the worst argument I had with my boyfriend has been about where to place a printer. I guess it gives a clue about those rigid standards and morals.

This includes the reluctance to delegate tasks.

I dislike surprises, too. They often feel like betrayal.

Excessive devotion to work at the expenses of social activities

I thought of doing people a favor by avoiding them, but they seem to miss that stubborn eccentric friend, from time to time. Oh well, things won’t get done by themselves.

Inability to express feelings

I’m very expressive, yet I think I’m not totally in touch with my emotions.

It can take me days to find the words to explain how I feel.

  • Question of

    Did my experience help you understand more about OCPD?

    • Yes
    • No
  • Question of

    Can you tell the difference between OCD and OCPD now?

    • Yes
    • No
  • Question of

    Do you think you may suffer from OCPD?

    • Yes
    • No, but I know someone who has OCPD
    • No, and I don’t know anyone who has OCPD

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Written by sabtraversa

32 Comments

    • Thank you! It isn’t always easy to wear someone else’s shoes, there are so many things I wish I could relate to but I can’t; it’s fine as long as there’s mutual respect. ?

  3. I didnt have an idea what OCPD is or how it looks like. Thanks for letting us know about this condition. It will make a difference how I view those exhibiting this condition – not in an ignorant manner.

    1

    • I’m glad it helped you understand more about the matter. They’re called disorders for a reason, it doesn’t matter how “good” the traits and symptoms seem like, not all that glitters is gold. Thanks a lot for reading and commenting. ?

      1

  5. It’s really good to be praised because our work is perfect. Likewise, it is not bad to think of achieving perfection. But if it could affect us negatively, it is about time to reconsider our actions.

    1

    • Good point! I guess that’s the reason why it’s hard for those “affected” by OCPD to realize and accept their mindset is what causes the distress.

  6. Exactly, that’s what makes a difference between a tendency and a disorder: balance vs extremes. I’m glad you’re more balanced. ?
    Now I am too, more or less. ?
    I agree. Well, first you need to know what requires the work, then you can work on it.

    1

  7. I think I do know the differences now a little more …
    Sorry that you’ve been through these …
    I hope someone could help you!
    Have you tried not being perfect?

    1

    • Nobody ever knew what was wrong, but I can tell they tried to help. ?
      I remember one time where I didn’t try to be perfect because I focused on respecting a deadline, but then I heard some people were talking at my back saying that my work looked quite bad and unprofessional. Oh well, I was happy I accepted my work though it wasn’t perfect, and couldn’t care less about those voices.
      I’m afraid this attempt to not be perfect will turn into a new obsession, like doing ugly stuff for the sake of not making them “perfect”. ?

      1

      • Haha … But I’ve absolute confident in you that you could find the perfect balance of producing half “ugly” and half “perfect work”…!! :p

        But anyway, being able to break from perfection, even for a while is a great start! 🙂

        1

    • I guess that’s because they’re brilliant but unbalanced, I guessed and understood many things but didn’t understand myself. I don’t mean to imply that now I do, but at least I’ve been trying to understand myself lately. ?
      Do you have any clue why you’re unable to get the list of work done? ?

      1

      • Well, not really as I do more work, through one task I find another small job to be done and that adds up. Plus when you care for someone with a disability I have to stop half way to help him. It is not his fault, certain things he cant do…

        1

  9. It is good to be seeking perfection but I hardly do that myself. I do not see this as OPCD. I see you as a gifted person who can achieve greater things in life. You would succeed when you are on your own doing the things you love.

    1

    • I guess so. People with OCD are usually aware of having thoughts they cannot control that force them to perform the rituals. People with OCPD tend to not be bothered by their thoughts because they believe they’re right and appropriate.

      1

  11. I hope by sharing your feelings and emotions it has helped you in some small way. This will also help others understand when they hear about this disorder. You seem to be a beautiful person from what I can see online. Thank you for sharing.

    1

  12. It’s very nice to describe what OCPD actually is, dear friend … if I understand it, it’s obsession with perfection …

    1

  13. One of my twins has OCD. He struggles at times with perfection. When he doesn’t feel that he is smart, he cannot continue.

    It is a hard thing. Thank you for bringing this to the light!

    2

    • It really is, sorry to hear about your twin. This disorder is very detrimental for the self-esteem. When you’re obsessed with perfection, you either become narcissistic or obsessive-compulsive.

      2