Last evening in a fevered pitch he yelled “You have to learn to be hard. The world is not a kind place and it will never be what you want. Let go of your dreams and exist.”
I walked away and went to bed. I didn’t sleep. I listened for footsteps. I listened for oxygen. I was hopeful that hospice nurse would remain, but he ran her off. A new one will come this morning and their battle will begin. I will quietly work and stay out of the way today. The battle today will be his.
Our parents did teach us well and he understands. His pain level is so high that he anger it always ready to explode at a moments notice. He throws his fit and then cries because he is so sorry he hurt me with unkind words.
It won’t be the unkind words I remember. It will be his generous heart, his teasing attitude, his love for animals, his attachment to nature, his beautiful pictures and his bravery. (If for some reason I forget, please remind me.)
Today he decides if all treatment stops and he simply goes to a drip for pain. He alone has to make that choice and I have to accept whatever choice he makes.
Does this experience color my whole world right now. Yes. However, I have now said and I am hopeful the rest of the day I can simply work, write and do the things that need to be in daily life without this being constant on my mind and heart. I need to live.
I think that is what posting my goals and accoutability here every day did for me, it made me live. Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to others, maybe I should have kept going. Hard to say.
Hope you find joy somewhere today.