It’s been a rough morning. Sometimes there just aren’t any right answers. His body is failing. He is in constant pain. His wife and daughter have passed away. He’s worried about me and everything seems to be beyond his control.
So he asked me “What’s the point of seeing another doctor and trying another surgery just to prolong my pain?”
I don’t have the answer. I should be strong and say just let go and see where it takes you. I tried that and he said “You can’t say that and mean it. You are scared and worried all the time. You really don’t know how to live without me. You will never be prepared to let me die and what’s the point of all the pain and suffering. If I die does that end?”
“I don’t have those answers. I don’t know. I am terrified. I am sad. I can’t imagine what life will be like here. I am really not interested in life without you here. You know all that. I can’t change that. When I go to counseling and they tell me what to do and say and I follow those directions you look right at me and say “Liar.”
I cry every day. I worry every day. I have no control over the way I feel and your illness and pain. I feel hopeless and despair. I hate that every day I wake up and check to see if you are alive, because one day I know you won’t be.
Yes, I would give anything to die first so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. You know that. I am not that strong.”