First of all I need to say thank you to those who have been lighthouses. There are many here and sometimes when you are lost on the darkness you forget to look for the lighthouse. Thankfully, here on this site there are lighthouses that come find you.
My instinct is to hide this from the world. My gut says to leave it and be done and then I hear a soft cry, but what if just one person needs to know that others have felt the pain? What if the person I am suppose to be saving is myself? Worse what if someone else needs to hear it and I am not brave enough to share it. What force wants me to be gone? Does anything really matter?
I have been in a very dark place. I reached out to have someone proofread what I had planned as my final post. I didn’t feel great about I wrote and yet it is the most raw, open and honest way that I can explain what is happening in my head, heart and life.
My brother read what I had written and took me to the hospital. To be fair he did it under false pretences. I never turn off the computer and he read it while I was making his dinner. He said “It’s time you need to take me to the hospital. I went and we were there for hours. They let us come home together (another small miracle and a ripple in the Perfect Storm).
Below was to be my final post.
“It’s time to be done. I am going to be frank. It will be raw and it will be from the heart. My request to Virily staff is that it stays up two weeks and then everything I ever put on this site is removed. Will they honor my wishes? I don’t know, but I hope so.
As my brother’s illness keeps declining my safe haven was virily. I could come and write, prattle get some support and kindness and then get back to care giving. As my husband’s’ Alzheimer becomes more prominent, I could slip away and take a quiz or read and it felt like a home.
Then came the storm. I found out that my brother, on top of everything else, has two valves leaking in his heart. He didn’t know I was in the room. He didn’t know that I could hear him. He said “I could just die and be done, but my little sister needs me.” It felt like tons of pressure just fell on my shoulder.
I tried to shake it off. I tried to refocus. I turned to Virily and wrote and once again Tasartcraft attacked. Again staff said they could remove things, but just ignore her and report every thing. (At least when I report at work they try and fix things.) Then I saw her attack another and call them a liar. – My safe space is gone. It’s been taken over by a bully and no one seems to care. “It’s okay to say anything.” It’s NOT okay.”
So now I can take my life, so my brother can die without worrying about me and Tasartcraft can keep bullying and name calling until the next person experiences the perfect storm and decides life is not worth living.
Words have consequences. I have called and made sure that every thing is in order for my cremation. I emptied the storage unit and donated to charity. I let my son know he would be taking care of his father. I told my grandchildren that I love them today, tomorrow and always, just like I do every time I leave. I called work to let them know I would be gone. “
That was my post.
I reached out to the one person on the site that seems the most even minded. I am going to have him proofread it and if he says it’s fine, my final post will be done. For the kindness, love, and endless patience thank you. Protect the ones you love from bullies and hatred. Do what your heart dictates when the really tough decisions matter.
Of course he found my mistakes (thanks) and gave me what felt like permission to follow my heart and take whatever journey needs to be taken. He validated my feelings and left it up to me. It was perfect. He couldn’t have been more kind.
Then came more of my jumbled thoughts.
If not me, who will stand up for those who have been beaten down by the hatred? “ Just ignore it” is not the right answer. Fix the problem.
Now I am sending this post to be proofread (yes I owe him, I will pay him for all the hard work). If I walk away and end my life I will be fine, and yet will anyone stand up for the person that finds them self in the next perfect storm? I don’t know. Will anyone keep taking it on and pointing out that words matter? I don’t know. Should that even be my concern, maybe not.
Today I feel like I have options. I can be brave and stay and fight. I can also do as I planned and take that eternal rest that will heal the pain. It is totally up to me. Either option will be fine. It’s just a matter of choice.
There is no need to comment on this post. Thanks to all who provided me a safe haven when one was needed. I hope you continue to do so. If you have the courage, stop the bullies, just ignoring it isn’t the answer.
For now Virily Staff – please let this and my posts stand as I make the best choices for me.