And Once Upon a Time – part 18 (conclusion)

I  was out at sea, middle of the night, alone, drinking a beer, thinking of then and now and the time in between.

When I think of the past, of the spin I put on it, of the effect I allowed it to have on the present; how I went through a decade bouncing around as if my life was a commercial interrupting a program…

I had let ten years waste, taking my divorce from Zennie as the ‘end’ of all that would or could matter. When in reality, Zennie had been more a delusion than real;  a person I preferred to live in dreams.

If I had loved her, seeing her on the monitor, I would have raced down the hall, run to her, screamed her name, grabbed her in my arms, unconcerned about what or how or when.

If I loved her it would have boiled up within me, shutting off contemplation of reactions.

But I saw her and held, thinking about what I should do. I stood, reasoning that if I did this, than that, pondering in the land of  If….

Which meant, I never loved her.

I looked at the starry sky, swallowed a mouthful of beer and decided that I wanted someone on this boat with me.  A woman who knew life as I knew it.  A woman who wanted to live the same life as I did.

And I would find her.


What do you think?

Written by jaylar