When I learned my beloved Neil had married that Jinja; I ran. Then, as now, I left everything and ran away.
Unlike now, where I was happily leaving all I knew for a year’s cruise, then I had to leave. Leave because I couldn’t bear to be anywhere that would remind me of Neil.
I left everything. I left myself. I became this shadow, this shell who married Patrick.
Now, Patrick is gone, and I am free.
I wonder, if I could do it again, if I would marry Patrick.
As I thought of it, the answer was an inescapable no.
I should not have married Patrick. I ought have waited until I found someone I could love.
If not love as I loved Neil, then admire, honour, believe in, look at with a sense of affection.
Not put up with, not live around as I had with Patrick.