I would carry him on my hands through the desert…

I sat in cafe in front of this children’s games field. Looking at how parents jump around their offspring, I suddenly remembered one day, me, and my son.

It was years ago. Just on an ordinary sunny day, we went for a walk with him. And this moment finally came… Suddenly. I didn’t know if it was possible to get ready for it. I imagined it a thousand times, thinking about how I will feel, but I could not know that will feel so painfully.

The sun shone on our foreheads, we’ moved slowly out of laughter, jumps, and racing when he turned to me and said as has said thousands of times:  – Mum, please, carry me.Without much thinking, I grabbed him on my hands.

And that moment I realized that something happens for the first time in our life and something – the last time. I carried him on my hands and tears fell down like beans, just didn’t know it was from the joy or sadness, or from the strange understanding that he is not anymore just mine. He already belonged to the world. And for himself.

And at that time, I still did not know how I will feel when he starts going to school, how I will feel when he alone for the first time goes to yard,  how I will feel when he graduates the school, when he will not stay home for night, or when he will meet that another woman…I just knew that in some way or another I will have to let him live his life.And though I would carry him on my hands through the desert in drought time, even if he would be two meters tall … I simply couldn’t lift him anymore. He was just too heavy for me already…