I guess we all have to fly solo, in a figurative sense, at some point in our lives, but the trouble is, I have been doing it for too long, much too long.
I am writing this blog to try and get some relief from a persistent problem which is plagueing me all the time now: soul-crushing loneliness. I am a 52-year-old single woman, and I have been on my own so long, so many years, and I hate it so much. I haven’t had all that many relationships with men anyway, and neither of my two serious ones lasted. My former partner, who I lived with for most of my 30s, died, and then I got married in my forties but we split within a few months (I am still technically married and am planning to get a divorce at some point, just can’t afford one at present).
So here I am, radically alone at the age of 52, as I have been for the last 7 years since my estranged husband left. I haven’t met anyone else since, and it is not through lack of trying. Maybe I need to have another go at Internet dating, but I found that so soul-destroying before. I don’t know what else to do though. It is not as if any men ever ask me out, show an interest in me, etc. No one wants me, it seems…
To be frank, I have had a very hard, unhappy, troubled life from childhood upwards. Because my chaotic, abusive upbringing hurt me and damaged me so much, I grew up with very serious self-esteem problems: a deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness, and trust issues with men. When I was young, I was always desperate to find a man to love me (something I had never experienced growing up), but at the same time I was very repressed and withdrawn and had real problems trusting and opening up to men. Consequently, I had very few relationships: one or two short-term boyfriends in my early twenties, then nothing till I met my partner Dennis in my thirties.
Ever since I was very young, I craved love so much, and feared growing old alone. Others, like family and friends couldn’t understand why I was so desperate to meet someone and settle down at the age of 21 or 22. But I wanted to find a partner as soon as possible, as I feared so much being left on the shelf late in life. And that is exactly what has happened: here I am living alone at the age of 52, no husband, no children, no one. I am minded of the saying from the Book of Job in the Bible : “What I greatly feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.” Yes, that is exactly what has happened to me – my greatest fear. I will probably always be alone now. I just have to live with it. I guess it is not as bad as being with someone for the wrong reasons anyway.
Picture courtesy of www.medium.com