Once you realise you are in an abusive relationship you plan your escape. Whether you find organisations which can assist you or can pack up and run, the first thing is to begin to reclaim your personhood.
Even while you are in the relationship, talk to yourself. Mentally indicate the abuse to yourself. Don’t try to sympathise or explain the abuse. Just take it as undeserved. You don’t need to say it aloud, you need to tell yourself that you did nothing to deserve the abuse.
The first ‘door keeper’ of your prison is yourself. It is the reason women stay in abusive marriages and employees stay with the Boss From Hell. That ‘door keeper’ is telling you that ‘you provoked it’ that it was ‘your fault’. Get rid of that door keeper and replace it with one which tells you that you did nothing wrong. That you don’t deserve it. That there is nothing about you which in any way caused the abuse.
Once you have made yourself aware that you have previously excused the abuse, explained it, because you needed to find a ‘reason’ for it and there is no reason you begin to grow stronger.
Wives who were victims of domestic violence who have left the relationship will find themselves replaced by another victim. Children who are abused by their parents who run away from home, will learn that any child left behind takes their place. Bosses from Hell will abuse every employee. If you leave, someone will be hired as a victim. Victims are replaced. The abuser needs someone to abuse.
It is not you. It is not that you were so important, loved, significant why…. anyone can take your place. You are a replaceable punching bag. Once you can fully comprehend that, you are on the road to extraction.
The next step is to unlearn the abuse, unlearn the reasons you gave yourself for withstanding the abuse. You are not at fault.