Extracting Yourself From an Abusive Relationship – Step 3

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One of the major factors of domestic abuse is that the victim’s mind creates a logic for the abuse.

This logic becomes the ‘door keeper’ that is, the explainer and defender of the abuse.   The husband beats the wife and she says she provoked it.  Why?  Her mind is so warped and her ‘door keeper’ twists facts to make it seem that she deserved it.

Getting rid of the door keeper is the second step in escaping abuse.  The first is recognising you are abused.  In the family situation the abused member must cease to give explanations for the abuse.

The door keeper must be kicked from the post, and replaced by a defender who reminds you that you did nothing wrong.

The third step is to regain your identity.   You do this in increments.  The easiest way to portray this is to use the Boss From Hell.

The BFH has a lot in common with the wife beater.   In fact, many are or would be wife beaters.  You have this job and the boss makes your life miserable.  You must find another job.

While you consider this, you have to survive.  You regain yourself as a first step by doing little ‘unwork’.    For example, you arrive at 8:30 and begin to work by 8:38.


Do not do any work until 9:00.  ‘Steal’ that 30 minutes.    Be at your post, looking busy, but do nothing business related.

You are supposed to leave at 4:30 and are usually out of the building by 4:35.


Stop working at 4:00 and be up and through the door at 4:30, stealing another half hour.Just doing this gives you a sense of accomplishment.  You are getting paid for an hour you DON’T work.

In relationships, develop desires and ideas outside of the marriage.  Things you never allowed yourself to like.  For example, suppose you buy flowers and he smashes them.

That action confirms what you inwardly know but do not want to admit.

Prepare a different meal.   He’ll hate it and toss it out.  You act hurt.  Inwardly, you’re laughing, for you knew he would do that.   Little things which prove you can ‘control’ him gives you a great deal of self confidence, which you need.

For that is what abusers take.


What do you think?


Written by jaylar

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