A Scattered Mind

Sometimes I cannot focus. There is just too much going on in my head. At times like these I have trouble concentrating. I have to be super organized at times like these. I write everything down that I need to do, sometimes by the hour.

My doctor calls this “thought disorder”. It is part of my mental illness. I have trouble keeping track of time. It is a blur, like there is no forward movement. Everything seems to be happening now. It feels surreal. It bothers me, and I pace a lot. I keep my notebook nearby, for keeping track of what to do.

This is an unpleasant experience. But luckily these periods don’t last a long time. Usually just a matter of hours. Sometimes a couple of days. Mix this with mania or hypomania, and it makes for a very scattered mind. I stay home when I’m feeling like this. It’s too difficult to be out in public. It has a dream like quality to it. I can’t explain it to my partner, so I just say I’m restless.

Sometimes I hallucinate when this happens, although not all the time. Hallucinations are scary, but the worst part is the feeling of unreality. It is very disturbing to me. I prefer to be in consensus reality. Sometimes I think that these states are a kind of waking dream. Like my brain isn’t working correctly, and it keeps me in a semi dream state while awake. I prefer to think this than to think I am actually in another reality.

It is hard to cope while I am experiencing this state of mind. Luckily I have my boyfriend, my dog, painting, and writing to help me deal with it. Many people with mental illness do not have a support group. I appreciate what I have very much.