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Chapter 2. Friday.

Häagen-Dazs sure know their ice-cream. From inauspicious beginnings in New York City’s Bronx in 1961, Reuben and Rose Mattus opened their first store in 1976, selling only vanilla, coffee and chocolate ice-cream, Häagen-Dazs has grown exponentially since, branching into many regions, and many different flavours, as disparate as Reuben’s imagination (it is said that the name Häagen-Dazs was simply just ‘made-up’ by him, to give the brand a unique identity).

I tend not to visit the popular Häagen-Dazs cafés – as I truly hate all human beings and interacting with them in any way apart from my work as an amateur veterinary surgeon – but really do enjoy their ice-cream. Though there are many flavours to choose from, my favourite is Belgian Chocolate, and every Friday evening after I conclude my work tasks and wash the blood off my clothes, I will dispatch my Pepe, my valet to the village to fetch me a 500ml tub of this wonderful ice-cream, which I will enjoy by myself, after a jar of gherkins and three of my home-made, high-tar cigarettes.

You should know that Häagen-Dazs is very expensive. I understand from Pepe that it is £4.50 from the local convenience store, which is about 0.00059 Bitcoins. This might seem a lot for ice-cream but in my opinion you get a really quality product, not just ‘a brand’.

So, what exactly do I enjoy about Häagen-Dazs? Well, there isn’t much I do not enjoy about it, put it that way. The packaging first of all is really fitting to the product; classical, simplified and nowadays, exemplifies the Häagen-Dazs ‘look’. When you open the lid, the ice-cream is sealed using a plastic tear-off cover which instructs you to leave the ice-cream for between ten to fifteen minutes, to allow it to melt just a little, which makes for the ideal eating experience. I tend to use my fifteen minutes to either get another sherry-and-spirit half-half, or just sit in silence, staring at the wall. Sometimes, if my week in the surgery has been especially toilsome, I will simply interfere with myself, crying.

The colour of Belgian Chocolate Häagen-Dazs is (obviously) brown. Flecks of dark chocolate are consistently distributed throughout the pot, giving a fine, gritty texture; certainly not unpleasant, just different. It’s incredibly rich to taste; a strong almost bitter chocolate wave rolling in harmony with dainty sweetness. The smell is sensational. After finishing the ice-cream (which, I am ashamed to say, I do in one sitting), I will spend the rest of the night drinking extremely heavily and constantly smelling the empty tub.

I guess if there was one other constructive point apart from the high price, is it that Häagen-Dazs isn’t exactly too kind to your body. 500ml per week has greatly expanded my waistline, and if it wasn’t due to the overwhelming negativity and mean-spiritedness of online review sites causing me to lose weight, I would be the size of pre-2015 James Corden by now. The ice-cream also messes up my motions, as they become almost diarrhoea-like the next day.

Overall, I would rate Häagen-Dazs a deserving 1,744 out of 1,962. It’s a real quality dessert that can be whipped out for special occasions, if you like socialising, and also a wonderful product to enjoy in the company of yourself. The quality outweighs the price and slight unhealthiness. Enjoyed in moderation, Häagen-Dazs comes well-recommended, and for me, is the crown jewel of a rewarding week of work and reviewing.

What do you think?

4 points

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