Dennis has been gone for 11 years now and I still miss him every day, probably always will. He was my partner, my soulmate; we lived together for a number of years and nearly married, but didn’t. He died at the age of only 58 from smoking-related heart disease, had a massive heart attack. But I know he is still around in spirit. This is a photo of him, taken a year or two before his death, with my cat Tiggy (who is still around and still going strong! )
I visited his grave on a Saturday a few weeks back. It was only the fourth time I have been to it in 11 years, because he is buried in an area some distance from where I live, so I have not been able to visit all that often. I bought some yellow roses, as he always loved the colour yellow, and put them on his grave. Yellow is such a vibrant, cheerful colour, and it is representative of his sunny yellow heart. I was overcome with emotion and started crying; that was the first time I have cried at his grave actually. The other times I visited, I just felt sad but peaceful, although I expected to feel very upset, especially the first time. But it didn’t happen till last time. I have shed a lot of tears over him, particularly when I first heard that he had died, but not at his grave side, not till the other day.
I arranged the roses for him and stood and cried, poured my heart out, told him all the things I needed to say. I told him how many happy times I had had with him, although our relationship had not always been easy, had often been rocky and troubled. There was bad as well as good (we had a lot of rows) but the main feeling I am left with is how much I loved him and miss him. Besides his physical health issues, which eventually caused his early demise, he had some quite serious mental and behavioural problems. But in essence he was such a warm, kind, funny and unique character, and that is what I remember most fondly about him. I had some of my happiest times with him, so I cling to those, as my life has had far more trouble, hardship and unhappiness than anything else, quite frankly. That is why I am grateful to him for those 9 years I knew him. At least I have some good times to look back on. They may never come again. Life is very lonely and empty for me at present, and doesn’t show much sign of improving. I fear I am going to go into old age completely alone, but if so, I just have to take it on the chin.
That is why I am grateful to Dennis for giving me some happiness, stability and love, in a troubled life which has been woefully short of those things. I first met him when I was living in a homeless hostel, and he was working there, and he helped me find another place to live. I am a much stronger person now than I was then, and I know I have him to thank for so much of my progress and character-building. Thank you Dennis, and I will always love you <3